She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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