I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
