On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
