Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
