last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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