So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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