She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
