She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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