I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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