I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
