i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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