Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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