I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
