I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Green mimosas i think yes
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
