His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
