the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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