Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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