I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
