God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
