I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
