Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
