He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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