I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
