I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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