Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
