god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
