Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My bed smells like the plague
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
