my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
