the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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