Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
