giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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