Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
