Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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