I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
