I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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