Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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