no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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