I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
why is half of my head shaved?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
