I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
