stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
