Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
