We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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