I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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