I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
