were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
