omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
