So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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