apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
