Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(770): View more from Georgia

I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

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(419): View more from Ohio

it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.

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(315): View more from New York

I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde

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(616): View more from Michigan

If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?

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