ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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