3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Holy sore nipples Batman
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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