fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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