I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
