smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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