Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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