I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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