the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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