I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
