rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
