Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
